Dear Heart...Wife's Privacy

Dear Heart,

Hear me out! No one wants to listen, no one wants to believe. I am innocent. I fell in love. I was persuaded. One morning, I was a concubine.

3 years ago: I was young, beautiful and able. I was the pride of my parents. I was the pride of my colleagues. My siblings looked up to me so much. I met a politician in Boracay. In a bar, drinking with my friends, he sent me a drink. Acknowledging his way of making friends with me, I raised the glass which gave him the opportunity to go near me. We talked-an intelligent and sensible conversation. I was amazed. He said, he was mesmerized. Back in Manila, we kept in touch thru chats and text messages.

2 years and 8 months ago: I fell for him. We shared good memories together. He shared his past and I did too with him. He's like a TV-dream-guy turned real in flesh. Understanding, patient, intelligent, gentle, romantic, how else would I describe perfection? He asked me why I felt the same for him. I said, I find no reason not to.

2 years and 3 months ago: A lady knocked. Mom opened the door. She called me a mistress. Shocked and cold.. I cried. I believed him. I was hurt. My fairy dream ended.

2 years and 2 months ago: He was so apologetic. He mentioned he was separated, but is still married. I still love him. But I chose to do what's legally and morally acceptable.

2 years ago: I met someone, attractive, responsible, and smart. He confessed his feelings for me. I considered. I moved on with him. He talked about past relationships, I preferred not to share mine.

3 months ago: I married him, got pregnant and was the happiest woman of the world. I finally felt complete. I finally made my fairy tale come true.

A month ago: I saw a message with a picture. Picture of myself kissing my politician-ex-bf. A picture that was taken 3 years ago. I don't know who did it, suspected it was his wife. I told my better half. He got mad. I tried to defend myself. He judged me. I asked him to hear me out. He said I was unfaithful. I sent him a letter explaining my side of the story. He insisted to see the picture. I ignored. He wanted me to tell his name. I chose not to. He urged for a confrontation. I neglected him. He stayed mad. I just let him.

Today: Thinking.. I expected him to be beside me. I am carrying his child. I shared all the possible truth that I can share. He still doesn't care. He persist to know everything. I am not proud of my past. I never focused on his, why would he care about mine? Amidst marriage, I am still entitled to my personal privacy and he's taking that away from me. I don't want him to have any idea about my ex-bf. I let him think and realize his mistake. Hoping that he'll be able to forget this bad dream. I am still bleeding.. Please help me!

-MRS. PRIDE-

Dear Mrs. Pride,

Husbands and wives are not only destined to share present and future. They are also expected to share one another's history. You are suppose to equip each other of a battle they might face in case detractors (like this) come. Because he was unarmed, he got bruised when you tried to include him in your war-world. Now, he can't recuperate not just because he was severely injured but also because he doesn't want to help himself. As a man, he upholds pride. We have to understand an initial reaction. He felt betrayed. He felt that you denied him of his rights to know his wife. Similar to what you felt when your ex-bf told you about a past relationship and he skipped the marriage part. Keeping your past is also similar to making him blind of who you were. It also means that you only choose what you'd like him to see. Thus, you only put your best foot forward. It's also similar to keeping your old pictures, the ugly-duckling pictures, you had because you thought he can never see. You thought that you have persuaded him to believe that the way you look now was exactly the way you looked before.

Matured and responsible people should not be afraid of their past. You should even be proud of it. God allowed you to undergo circumstances like those to develop a better person out of yourself. You have already been shaped by God. No precious metal was formed without undergoing a purification process. Those were the processes you need to go through to become who you are now. The more that you have to tell all these to the person whom you have committed to share forever with because this is a living testimony of God's work in your life. This is the most glorified role of a wife-- to get the connection back between your man and God.

Your relationship is going nowhere because you're allowing it, too. You felt judged and intruded. You felt low and neglected. Everything is about yourself. The first thing you have to do is to learn how to forgive yourself. Humble yourself to know that you were at fault. You were a mistress. You were persuaded. You believed him and it was a complete mistake. Admission that you have sinned is the most important thing you can do to deserve forgiveness. In being a mistress, you didn't sin against him. It was an honest mistake. You've sinned against him when you kept it and when you still keep the entire story from him because you deny him of his right to know his partner. Privacy has always been thought to oppose integrity. Why keep something if you know you're doing the right thing? The fact is, you can practice both at the same time. Privacy in marriage doesn't mean that you keep information to one another. Privacy is giving each other the space to use his/her senses without committing sins against God and marriage. You're free to look at other people, but not to have an intimate relationship with them. You're free to talk to other girls, but not to court them when you're married. Privacy without discipline and integrity can always be abused. Just as free will is. Integrity without privacy will always be a good thing. But privacy without integrity can often misleads us.

Ask yourself: “Am I completely over my ex-bf? Is my privacy more important than making myself known to my husband? Is my pride more important than his security? Why do I still consider this story sensitive? In case, I'm not proud of it, can I at least look at it as God's way of purifying me? Have I completely understood why I was so ashamed of it? Have I completely realized why he was so mad with it? Would I save my personal space over marriage?”

There is no right or wrong answer. Your responses would highlight your priority. If it's more for your privacy, then you're not yet ready to face a married life. If it's for marriage, then you've already understood the painstaking efforts that you both need to undergo in sustaining a life long commitment. You have the answers. Your life is a product of your choices. Act wisely, Act Godly.

-heart-

Confessions.. Wife's misery

A gift of truth is what I had for Christmas.

I found myself mourning at 8am. I can't get myself out of bed. He did it again. He went home 5 am. I asked him, he said he worked over time. I saw my phone, I called her- asked her if she has been going out with my husband. She said, “Are you ready to know the truth”. I suddenly fell off the ground.

Came 4pm, I was waiting for her in Starbucks. She was wearing a skimpy outfit, carrying a Prada bag. Sophisticated, educated, warm-hearted. “Yes, we have been going out for almost a year now.”

At 8pm, she knocked at our door's house. She went in and decided to end this story by making my husband choose between her and his family. I saw my husband, talking to someone over the phone. Asking of who to choose. I prayed for strength. I faced in with all might. God's with me, I know.

I asked my husband once again if he has an affair with this woman. He uttered words I've been waiting for. “Yes, I love her.” It stubbed me, deeply that I can't breathe. Blaming myself of what I've done wrong. Painting a picture of them together. I asked him if he still loves me, he also confirmed. We made him choose. He said, he can't for now.

10am the next day, I cooked breakfast. I served him as if nothing happened. Tears came running down my face, but I want to gladly attend to his needs. He acted naturally, as if nothing happened. I asked him if he still loves me, he said he does. When I asked him if he still loves her, he said “I'm already here..with you..what more would you want from me?”

I love him- to the point of acting everyday as if nothing hurtful happened. To the point of going back to zero and blaming myself for my husband's mistakes. Up to the point of shopping my clothes patterned to her & buying bags similar to hers.

I hate him- He made me feel like a robbish. He made me hate myself. He destroyed my dream for our daughter- to have a warm and complete family. He neglected our family. He played no compassion to my efforts as a wife. He's still fine after hurting me.

THE LISTENER TALKS:

I am all for the sanctity of marriage and togetherness if RESPECT has been practiced and is being worked on. But in case that he's not aware that he violated a law of God and the law of men, I also believe that it's so hard to forgive someone who's not even asking for absolution. You were deeply hurt, bled and scarred because you made him the center of your life. You made him your god. You act in accordance to his acceptance. You completely took yourself out of the picture and you paved way for him to know and feel like he's on a billboard. God allowed you to pass through this stage to remind you that HE still exists. Promises and indulgences can all be disappointing and variably disgusting, yet God's words and promises will always be “Yes” and “Amen”. He answers prayers. It might not be on the same format we would want things to be done, but He does based on what HE knows is beautiful in HIS time.

If he said that he loves the girl last night, you can't expect him not to love her today. Detaching from love does not happen over night, this- you have to understand. But he also needs to know that if he made himself fall for her, he can also consciously do something to fall out.

Loving your husband has always been a good thing. But, if loving him means unawareness to God and to yourself, it's time to rehabilitate and re-focus. This problem is not your entire life and should not be your everyday. Do not live today for his love, his choice, his respect, or his empathy. Your earthly role is not only to be his wife. If you're injured as a wife, then do not be as a mother, as a daughter or as a friend. Do not sentence yourself to a life-long fiasco. After all, you weren't the one who chose to live a life of a sinner, he did! Instead of digging deeper reasons to hate or to love him, find good reasons to help him instead. Help him realize that he has sinned; that in continuing such, he's destroying his connection with God, with his daughter, with his wife and with the society. Make him ponder on things he want for himself. Direct him to be true to his self. Focus on doing all these as noble acts out of concern for him and not to yourself.

This time, make this episode yours. Your past was about him and betrayal, now make a better ending to this chapter. Say like, forgiveness and moving on. If you feel he needs a space to think, give it to him. After all, you also need yours since it'll be hard to recuperate if you keep on going back to the war. Deviate to the commonality of wives' practices of doing nothing while waiting for husbands to come back. Instead, spend time to gain what you've lost when you were together. As you lost confidence, try to re-invent yourself inside-out. Pick up the pieces of where you left yourself off. When was the last time you shopped? You indulged into a fancy resto-bar? You spent 3 hours in a hair or nail salon? Or spa salon, perhaps? When was the last time you watched a movie with your daughter or with your mom? When was the last time you visited your former professors or counsellors? Have you already organized a reunion party for your girlfriends? This might be a perfect time to do it. When was the last time you read a book? When was the last time you solemnly prayed? You might want to consider all these.

Always remeber: Never go back to the same spot where you saw yourself wounded, bleeding and failing. You can only win over this situation if you believe that you did! You can only forgive if you have forgiven yourself. Moreso, you can only give love if you OWN love. 

Confessions...A wife's story

I was checking my Inbox just earlier this morning, when I saw a mail from a friend of mine in Paris. I was so excited to read the mail and as I read through, it crashed my heart to continue.

Her husband’s cheating on her! She saw some pictures of her husband and his officemate together.. not just that.. a picture of the girl-office mate kissing her hubby in the cheek. I called her immediately to check on how she’s coping up with it. She said that she never thought Daniel (her hubby) would do such a thing. Daniel’s a sweet, nice and friendly person. He’s warm and polite, that sometimes, he’s so afraid to say No (ironic thing– especially to girls!). She was telling me that he changed a lot from the time that Daniel gets promoted (from a Real Estate Agent to a Sales Manager). Ica (not her real name), cried her heart out and said that she wanted to further investigate. She said that she talked to some of Daniel’s pals and all she got were like scripted responses. She was so confused that she can’t totally focus and all she does everyday is cry. She even asked Daniel if he still loves her.

Daniel said “Anu ka ba? Tinatanong pa ba yan?”.

I immediately asked her, “How did you take his response?”.

She said, “Para namang mahal n’ya ko. He even cried to me and told me not to leave him. I clarified the picture that I saw and he said na wala naman daw ‘yun. Close lang daw talaga sila and ganun naman daw talaga magpapicture si Ella (girl office mate, alleged mistress). Ewan ko ba, parang nalilito ako.”

I said, “What do you think about his explanations? Naniniwala ka ba?”

“She responded, “Mahal naman n’ya ko eh, kaya lang flirt talaga si Ella.”

MY STANDPOINTS:

A married man is expected not to pose in a picture with someone kissing him on a cheek– I would ask him, “Do you know the word R-E-S-P-E-C-T??!! How would you feel if I, as a married woman, posed on a picture in the manner you did? How would you feel about that?” Make him look at things at the angle you were peeking at. Make him realize that you deserve respect and this isn’t a demonstration of faithfulness. I’ll even add, “Let’s say that Ella usually takes pictures with other guys just in the same posing. Do you really need to be one of them? Do you really need to allow her to do the same to a married man like you? Have you ever thought of how I would feel at the time you were doing that? Because if there would be a close boy friend of mine who would like to kiss me while taking a pic, I would never allow him to do that since I RESPECT you a lot as my hubby and I know that you’l disapprove of it, too.”

Don’t contradict or believe in everything hubby’s says– Focus on your goal (which is to find out the truth) and do not be easily persuaded. Guys would use all the enchanting words to make you believe that everything’s fine.. worst, is to make you believe that you’re the villain who accuses and they’re the innocent victim who does nothing!

Never investigate if you’re not ready to get hurt– Investigating is searching for the truth. Digging deeper into the issue requires higher Adversity Quotient (AQ) and maturity. You should have Plan A and Plan B. What if you find out that you’re right, that they do have a relationship.. that he really cheated on you.. how would you take it? Would you cry all day long and nag at him or would you rather compose yourself first and face him after? How would you take his reaction if he confirms? Would you cry and beg for him to stay or would you rather slap him, walk out and pack or Would you steadily and sternly ask him of his plans now that you already know it? Learn to plan your reactions so you would still appear composed and poised.

Never ask the guy friends of your hubby, they wouldn’t over turn; instead, ask hubby’s girl friends, they’re most likely to confirm– NOTICE:Make sure that you ask a girl friend who’s not too close to your hunched mistress. Guys wouldn’t or would rarely spill out. Their loyalty belongs to one another. It’s as if they understood and defend the reasons for unacceptable actions since they also might’ve done those one time in their lives. Others, wouldn’t want to tell since they don’t care! I mean, they don’t really want to be a drama queen in a movie entitled “A Love Story”. Girls are better sources of news of this type. They might not be the best, but they’re better compared to the guys. Girls know the battle a fellow one undergoes in terms of being cheated upon. They might’ve experienced such one time in their lives, too or they’re more cautious to help a fellow than to receive a “karma”. If guys are known to have their own fraternity when they do naughty deeds, girls bunched to have a sorority to pacify each other, to be with one another, and to go against the icky-dirty cheapness of a fraternity.

Divorce or Legal Separation should not always be the solution– Married couples got obligations to one another. If your husband failed to do his, make sure you do yours. Your responsibility, now that he has already cheated on you, is to make him realize that his actions destroy him, not only as a husband and as a father, but also as a person.. as a Christian. Your initial goal is not to make him a good husband, but rather, as a good person. Focus on how to help him get out of the situation. If you believe that your husband’s a good person, then he might’ve been so weak to entertaintemptations. Your husband’s lost. Show him the way to a prudent life and grow together in a marital-spiritual relationship, thereafter.

AS FOR ME, A BITCH (Babe In Total Control of Herself), I would never enggage into a divorce or would I ever leave my house and my hubby. In doing such, I would only tolerate him to act like an adolescent who still courts and flirts. I would never give up my conjugal rights as a wife! His house, money, car, and all other wealth are mine, too. I’ll get what is rightfully mine and be firm for my kid. I wouldn’t be too emotional, insteadI’ll be more cosmetological. Being beautiful is the best revenge. I’ll take his money and go to salons, go shopping for me and my kid, and save a bigger portion in the bank. After all, how would he let go of a beautiful wife who has his OWN kid in the first place?!